Saturday, June 03, 2006

The long post

People have always said I was shy. It's been the part of me I've excepted for years. I never spoke to anybody in school. When I was 12 my teacher noticed how much I was having a hard time and had me tested for learning disabilities. It turned out I had several. I don't know exactly what they were called. All I remember is that I had to start going to a Resource Program a couple hours a day and speech therapy once a week. It took them awhile to figure out what was going on because I could speak well and I was very intelligent. I just came across as a kid that was very quiet, extremely depressed, and isolated. I didn't have any friends. I just escaped into the television set when I came home from school. After my tests I started working very hard to "fix" the problem. Each year I got better and in Jr. High I was testing at a college level in some areas. They gave me the choice to leave the program or stay and use it for homework time. I used it for homework time until my sophomore year of high school. I decided I was strong enough to handle things on my own. That was freakin stupid. I almost didn't graduate from high school.
I've noticed other issues in my life since then. It turns out it's not something one can fix. It stays with you the rest of your life. I could work around obstacles to get things done but it effects every part of my life.
I am not one that likes to revel on loss or short comings. I believe that God has made me and my friends for a specific purpose but I've been extremely Angry with this lately. I went on the Internet and started researching Adults with disabilities. I found the definition and I highlighted all the symptoms I thought applied to me.

Definition:
The scientific diagnosis of learning disabilities has focused primarily on the "discrepancy model". This method describes learning disabilities as discrepancies between expectations based on IQ and actual performance. If it appears that the person has problems perceiving, processing, comprehending, retaining, or retrieving certain types of information, despite having a normal or greater level of intelligence and regardless of effort and opportunity, then she or he is considered to be learning disabled.

Symptoms:
5. Frustrated by unsuccessful attempts to read, write, spell, and speak correctly.
6. Feeling as if you are "faking" your education: people say you are smart, but you don't genuinely feel this is true even though you may be getting good grades.
4. Feeling that your own work is infantile or crude or otherwise not as good as that of others, and that your output does not reflect the complexity of your thinking.
3. Frequent spelling errors (e.g., omissions, substitutions, transpositions), especially in specialized and foreign vocabulary.
8. Fear of filling out forms and applications and using the telephone.
9. Isolation: fear of not being understood.
10. Intensified self-consciousness and stress because of your other problems.
1. Inability to concentrate on and to comprehend spoken language when presented rapidly.
3. Slow to start and to complete tasks.
4. Repeated inability, on a day-to-day basis, to recall what has been taught.
2. Difficulty in orally expressing concepts that they seem to understand.
3. Difficulty speaking grammatically correct English.
4. Difficulty following or having a conversation about an unfamiliar idea.
5. Trouble telling a story in the proper sequence.
6. Difficulty following oral or written directions.

This stupid diagnosis is effecting my performance at work, my relationships, and robbing me of my self-worth. I want it out of my life but it will not go away.
I still believe in Ephesians 2:10 "For we are God's workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do." I just want to understand what the purpose for this is. There has to be good purpose.

My apologies to anybody who might think this post was too personal but I don't really care.

www.haverford.edu/ods/learning.html

4 Comments:

At 8:25 PM, Blogger Becky said...

Viv, I kind of smiled as I read your list of symptoms because I could identify with many of those things, myself. I actually could write a book on your post. I enjoyed reading it and I am glad you were honest about your feelings. I don't believe being shy or introverted is a bad thing or a deficiency. Our society values people who are outgoing and extroverted, but at the same time, we need people who hold back a little bit to balance things out. Teachers and other professionals that are trying to help rarely notice kids who don't speak up- so in that way, you are lucky that you had teachers notice and care enough to try to help you. I have had teachers like that too- some helped me, others had a sorely misguided sense of what I needed.
You are exactly the person you are meant to be, and I don't think that is a bad thing in the least. I imagine part of your anger comes from having to adjust to a world that will not always adjust to you. Keep your chin up, you're doing fine!

 
At 12:23 AM, Blogger Mae said...

All of us have our insecurities. I know I do. I get angry and/or upset when I feel I feel I can't do something. Becky is right when she says that our society seems to prefer people who are outgoing.
It seems like you have to try and be perfect too... but it's just not true. No one is perfect, and the little differences between us are actually a good thing. It makes life interesting. You are exactly who you are meant to be, and we love you!

 
At 1:33 PM, Blogger Unknown said...

very few people ever notice my speech impediments now because i've learned to adjust, even though i still have them every day and it's frustrating! you are a smart cookie, find a way to adjust what it is that you don't feel is right. one of my therapists just made me make a list of my top ten things that bothered me about me. i learned to adjust to them one at a time. YOU CAN DO IT. look, you've recently overcome your fear of going to the doctor, and now you are working towards solving that problem which caused you plenty of self-esteem issues, celebrate and recognize this as a success, and a clear indication that you can do it.

 
At 11:47 PM, Blogger Beckstraordinary said...

Viv, you're so awesome. I know I don't tell people how I feel about them often enough, but I've seen some awesome things come from you over the years (and I've had quite a number of years to observe), how dedicated and determined you are, how genuine and kind you are, and would debate anyone to the death that you are one of the few people in the world worth respecting.

Thank you so much for letting your guard down and sharing.

 

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